In heterosexual people, can friendship between the sexes occur or is it a chimera?
That men and women differ in many aspects is something that is obvious , but sometimes, these differences present in both sexes can lead us to very radical ideas. For example, it is relatively common to hear people question the possibility that a man and a woman can be friends.
As this seems to be a fairly common question, in this article we will focus on this topic by asking ourselves: can men and women just be friends?
- Recommended article: “How to ‘fall out of love’ with someone? 10 expert tips”
Relationships between the sexes beyond love
If we want to answer the question that gives this article its title, the first thing we must do is ask ourselves where this doubt comes from, what kind of situations make us consider it. To do this, we can look at the way in which the relationships between women and men have been narrated throughout history. That is, how they are portrayed in myths, famous novels, poetry, pieces of music, urban legends, etc.
And it is that the relationships between men and women are one of the topics that have generated the most interest over the last centuries. However, although it sounds paradoxical, this fascination with the different forms of socializing that can occur between the sexes is usually full of clichés and, specifically, is simplified by the insistent use of an idea: if a man and a woman interact in a significant, that has to cause feelings of romantic love in one or both of them.
Thus, if we look at the majority of works of fiction, practically all the relevant relationships between protagonists or secondary characters of a different sex and similar age are interpreted in light of what their actions imply in the face of a possible courtship or marriage. Almost everything they do in relation to the other points towards love or lack of love , and only very rarely towards friendship or simple cordiality.
This barrage of different versions of the same stories and tropes, in which a man and a woman meet and fall romantically or tragically fall out of love, shapes how we see the world.
And this fact is capable of making it absurd to make us doubt whether a man and a woman can be friends… even if we are maintaining one of those friendships in our own flesh.
Can men and women be friends?
The quick answer to this question is yes, of course a man and a woman can be friends . This is so because, by default, human behavior is very diverse and takes different forms depending on the situations to which we adapt.
In the first place, not everyone feels romantic love desires towards the other sex, and there are even those who do not even experience sexual desire; It is about asexual people, who, although they have been ignored for centuries, are increasingly able to express themselves more freely.
Second, even between heterosexual men and women, friendship between the sexes is a reality . Why? For several reasons that we will see below.
1. Desire is not born from contact
It is not true that the simple fact of spending a lot of free time with a person is going to cause the love interest towards the other person to arise. In certain cases, even the opposite occurs.
For example, it is known that falling in love is linked to an initial phase in which the other person is idealized , but getting to know them better causes this idealization to fade. And in these situations, it is surprising to realize that this person, instead of being characterized by the elegance and intimidating power that someone we like produces in us, is funny and genuinely funny as opposed to the other two previous qualities.
2. You can go from love to friendship
This is another reason why it is very normal to see men and women being friends . The truth is that even if in the past there has been some type of loving desire, the passage of time and habituation gradually make the relationship evolve into a stable friendship and without frustrations for not becoming boyfriends.
It is something as simple as the mind being trained not to expect a typical love relationship for couples.
3. Friendship without sexual desire is normal
Romantic love often goes hand in hand with the desire to be intimate with the other person, a common sexual life in a broad sense. What happens is that not everyone is sexually attracted to the same bodies or the same type of personalities , and it is very possible to want the friendship with which you are not interested in being intimate beyond what is normal in friendships.
This occurs in both men and women, and although the former tend to be more open when assessing the sexual interest of others, this does not make all women interesting, nor does it happen with all representatives of the male sex.
The reason for this doubt
Another aspect to keep in mind is that if someone wonders if men and women can be friends, this is usually because they already experience some romantic or at least sexual interest in someone. That is to say, whoever considers it is already predisposed to feel love, and does not desire a conventional friendship , or to deal with this feeling and position himself before it.
This must be taken into account, because although it is true that it is possible to go from this phase to another in which the infatuation has already gone or has not appeared at all, this question can hide another: will I stop feeling bad? for not having a loving relationship with that person?
Knowing how to solve these experiences of frustration is already something that depends on each individual case, and sometimes even with the professional help of a psychologist.
In other cases, this concern arises from the discomfort of seeing how someone who does not attract us in love feels love for us. In these cases, we must be very clear that one is not to blame for someone suffering because we do not reciprocate sentimentally.
We can help that person feel good, but ultimately, it’s up to them to decide if keeping in touch is good or if they prefer, even if only temporarily, to cut the friendship relationship.
Bibliographic references
- Christensen, A., Atkins, DC, Yi J, Baucom, D.H., & George, W.H. (2006). Couple and individual adjustment for 2 years following a randomized clinical trial comparing traditional versus integrative behavioral couple therapy. J Consult Clin Psychol. 74(6):1180 – 1191.
- Sternberg, J. (1997). Satisfaction in close relationships. Nueva York: Guilford Press.
To the classic question “what do you do?” I always answer “basically I am a psychologist”. In fact, my academic training has revolved around the psychology of development, education and community, a field of study influenced my volunteer activities, as well as my first work experiences in personal services.
