Emotional blackmail is a form of psychological abuse based on manipulation through guilt and fear. Let’s see in what ways it can manifest itself in a relationship in order to detect it quickly.
Emotional blackmail consists of using emotions inappropriately to achieve one’s own purpose without taking into account the damage we can cause to the other person . It is usual that in a continuous situation of blackmail, the affected subject ends up developing psychological alterations, seeing their self-esteem and self-confidence affected. There are different types of emotional blackmail depending on the strategy used, although as we have said, they all show the common objective of benefiting oneself.
We must be alert if we detect behaviors that indicate the possibility of being blackmailed, since the best option will be to face the situation and act to protect ourselves and prevent further harm from being done to us. In this article we define the concept of emotional blackmail, we present the different types that exist and we give you some tips to know how to deal with it.
- We recommend you read: “Toxic relationships: how to identify them and put a stop to them”
What is emotional blackmail?
By emotional blackmail we understand the misuse that a subject makes of emotions, that is, they express their emotions with the intention of achieving their own objective. In this way, the individual who blackmails will show his emotions in order to benefit himself , at the expense of the other subject losing or harming.
This type of behavior can occur in any interpersonal relationship, although it shows a tendency to appear between people with close ties such as parents and children and especially in couples, since in this way it is more likely that the end will be achieved than the other person. you care about us
We must take into account that the subject who carries out the blackmail does not always do it consciously or voluntarily, it is possible that he acts in this way without intending to, a fact that can cause him great discomfort if he is aware of the damage it can cause and the impossibility you feel to be able to avoid it.
In this way, the characteristic profile of emotional blackmailers stands out for being insecure subjects , who doubt other individuals and act possessively. They have a tendency to show themselves as victims of the situation if they do not get what they want, blaming the other for their state. It is very common to link their behavior with manipulation. For his part, the subject who is blackmailed gradually decreases his self-esteem, affecting both his mental and physical health and can lead to a disorder if the situation continues.
What kinds of emotional blackmail exist?
Now that we know better the definition of the concept, we will go on to cite the different ways of doing emotional blackmail, showing the main features of each one and how to recognize them in order to deal with them and not have an impact on us.
1. Self-punishment
This type of emotional blackmail where the individual who exercises it punishes himself before the other is one of the most common in relationships. In order to achieve his purpose, the blackmailer expresses a feeling of pain , suffering or the possibility of harm, which normally causes the other to give in or accept his demands, since on many occasions the blackmailed does not even question whether the discomfort expressed is true or not.
As individuals who are subjected to this blackmail we must remain alert and modify the situation as soon as possible, we must not allow this treatment since, as we said before, in the end the health that is affected is ours.
2. The silent punishment
Subjects who carry out this type of blackmail have a tendency to show different faces and drag us into an ambiguous situation where they can both extol us, highlighting our positive qualities and how important we are to them, and criticize and underestimate us, saying that we are worthless and that we only generate problems and bad experiences.
This contradiction, what we would say as receiving “one of lime and another of sand”, is very dangerous since it can be difficult for us to identify it and not be aware of it. It may be that even when we perceive blackmail, we try to justify his behavior, staying anchored in the belief that he says it for our good, that he really loves us and that the fault is ours alone.
3. Gaslighting
We must also be very aware of this type of blackmail since the subject will try to turn the situation around and blame us for what is happening, affirming that it is we who do not remember something or do not realize what what really happens .
We will see how he will try to present himself as the victim of the situation claiming that it is you who is not right. For example, she can refer that she did tell us that she would go out to dinner, when she really did not tell us anything or that it is not true that we agreed to go somewhere, when it was so.
We see how the blackmailer unreasonably blames the other subject for making up or not remembering certain information, when what he says is really not true. Not only does he make us look like liars, but he also takes the opportunity to make himself look like the good guy, who is patient with us and who cares about the relationship.
4. Mercantilist blackmail
In mercantilist blackmail we can intuit a selfish behavior where the subject who exercises blackmail performs an action that apparently seems to benefit us, but really the true intention behind it is to favor himself and get what he wants.
We will see that everything he does is thinking about himself and how to claim favor from us in the future . He will present the situation as a sacrifice, he will refer that he did something for us and that the right thing is for him to receive something in return. In this way, we see how his behavior is totally contrary to the definition given to altruism, since he does everything thinking of him.
5. It’s never enough
This type of blackmail is characterized by never being enough and always asking us for more, so when they get something from us they will ask us for a little more . This technique allows them to gradually get, take advantage of us, without it seeming that the claim is very big, when really their intention is to continue getting much more from us.
Normally they express this request as a need, as something that he cannot achieve without our help and that our action is really important for him to be well.
6. We belong to the other person
In this case, the blackmail consists of affirming that as a couple, as subjects that make up a relationship, one of them belongs to the other. That is, the blackmailer will say that by accepting to be a couple, he must protect us and for this purpose he will try to control us and get what he wants from us, since according to him commitment means belonging.
7. Consider it as a basic need
In this situation we will see how the subject who performs the manipulation states that he needs us to cover his basic needs , understood as the fundamental requirements that we must meet if we want to survive. In this way, he will pose the demand as a requirement that we must satisfy if we want him to continue living adequately, he presents it as a vital necessity.
8. They present themselves as the victims of the relationship
Another of the typical tendencies of emotional blackmail is to present oneself as the victim, who always does everything right and is constantly damaged by us. He will be able to turn the situation around and refer to us as guilty when we really have not done anything. His way of achieving what he wants is to make us feel bad and believe that we owe him something, that we should compensate him for the damage done. The role of victim is very recurrent in these subjects since they tend to cause an effect and thus get to have us for whatever they want.
How to face emotional abuse
Given the affectation that emotional blackmail can generate, it is essential that we identify it and act in order to protect ourselves. Whenever possible we will try to avoid this type of person or relationship. If you can’t do it, you need to face the situation and don’t let it go, because although it can cost, not acting ends up producing much worse results .
First, as we have said, you must be aware of what is happening and not let anything he says convince you or change your opinion, take control of your own life and make your own decisions. Do not put yourself at their height and do not enter their game, do not lose your temper and try to remain assertive, defending your rights with respect.
The process of recovering our state after being victims of blackmail for a long time is not easy, since as we know our self-esteem and some of our psychological traits are affected. If you see that you cannot deal with the situation , we advise you to seek psychological help , since the professional will give you the necessary tools and knowledge to better face the events.
To the classic question “what do you do?” I always answer “basically I am a psychologist”. In fact, my academic training has revolved around the psychology of development, education and community, a field of study influenced my volunteer activities, as well as my first work experiences in personal services.
