We talked with one of the most recognized couples therapists in Spain.
Almost by nature, life together generates tensions and friction with which you have to know how to deal . The expectations that each member of the couple places around the relationship are not always fulfilled, so it is not surprising that many relationships end up entering vicious circles.
Fortunately, there are professionals who can help us if we are immersed in a crisis, since many times the discomfort of one or both spouses can be resolved based on communication and agreements.
- It may interest you: “The 10 types of couples (according to their sentimental relationship)”
Interview with Guillermo Orozco, expert psychologist in couple therapy
Today we have had the pleasure of speaking with the psychologist Guillermo Orozco , one of the most prestigious couples therapists in the Canary Islands. With him we are going to try to elucidate what are the main ones that couples encounter and that are a reason for consultation, and how he faces the challenge of trying to reconfigure thoughts, expectations and daily challenges so that the relationship gains strength again.
Bertrand Regader: What is the point at which relationship problems become significant enough to require couples therapy?
Guillermo Orozco: If, within the couple, discussions begin to be more common than agreements, and communication becomes a continual exchange of reproaches. If affective physical contact, hugs, kisses and caresses are increasingly scarce and time shared as a couple is reduced to watching television, we are facing some indicators that alert us to the need to seek the help of a professional.
Unfortunately, many times, couples arrive at a “point of no return”, in which they try, sometimes through the children or by force of habit, to rebuild a relationship so deteriorated that it is almost impossible.
The ideal would be not to go to those extremes and be aware that the help of a professional can make people understand the point where their relationship is, that they learn that all couples evolve over time and that there are different stages that are necessary to understand and accept.
If we manage not to reach those extremes and be alert in our relationship. If we have a clear objective in mind, affection and respect, it is worth fighting for the couple and, with therapy, these objectives can be readjusted and the illusion in the common project that had vanished can be recovered.
What is the difference between other forms of couples therapy and Comprehensive Couples Therapy?
Traditional couple therapy focuses, on the one hand, on behavioral aspects such as the exchange of reinforcers and, on the other hand, on cognitive aspects; mainly in expectations, attributions and beliefs.
These changes or adjustments in behavior and thought patterns focus on how each member of the couple could modify their behavior for the benefit of the relationship. The novelty that Comprehensive Couple Therapy (TIP) brings is that it promotes emotional acceptance as the basis of treatment, that is, if we take into account that in every relationship there are aspects that cannot be changed, or even should not be changed, each member would benefit from the fact of accepting these aspects based on the experiences they are sharing in the day to day of a relationship based on a common project.
Another vital aspect of this third-generation contextual-based therapy modality is precisely the context in which the problems occur. Each couple must be evaluated individually and find the formula that suits them at the moment.
IPT helps couples to experience the present moment, without judging or evaluating, accepting and tolerating their partner and not trying to change them to fit their expectations, this being one of the keys to a healthy and happy relationship.
How does a psychologist know which problems are best treated in sessions with both members of the couple, and which ones should be addressed in individual sessions?
The usual protocol in the evaluation of couple problems consists of a session where they explain the problem together and, later, an individual interview is carried out with each member of the couple to see how each one is experiencing that problem. It is in these moments where disagreements or different ways of seeing the relationship and the problems that affect it can be detected.
If each member sees the couple very differently or is suffering from an individual disorder, such as substance addiction, anxiety or mood problems, the ideal would be to alternate couple sessions with individual sessions and, sometimes, even postpone couples therapy until these problems are resolved.
It is very common to see problems of insecurity and jealousy on the part of one of the members of the couple, in these cases it is also necessary to dedicate some individual sessions to work on these aspects in the affected person.
It should also be clarified that, in the event that there are third parties, it is usual to leave couples therapy until that situation is resolved.
According to your experience, what are the most frequent problems in the coexistence of couples and married couples?
The concept of a traditional couple based on consecrated marriage by the church and “together until death” has changed. Now there are many different types of couples, reaching the point where the definition of a couple could be reduced to “two people who decide to be together and share time and intimacy, according to the rules that they themselves decide”.
Despite this reality, in my professional experience, couples who seek psychological help tend to have a fairly traditional concept of relationship. For this reason, the most frequent problems that they bring to the consultation are those that have to do with coexistence: discussions due to imbalance in housework or disagreement in the education of children, jealousy, mistrust, sexual problems…
Likewise, one of the most important problems in the couple and which, in turn, is the cause of many of these, is the lack of communication. Clarifying that we are talking about emotional and effective communication, with the intention of understanding each other and reaching agreements and not communication based on reproach.
And what are the changes in habits that produce a clearer improvement in the relationship?
If we take into account that the root of couple problems is usually a lack of communication, when it improves, the results are seen quickly. That is, when there is good emotional communication, when we listen without judging, when we speak without reproaching, the change is noticeable. If we understand that reproaches do nothing but condemn the couple not to change, it is much easier to transform the relationship.
Likewise, sharing activities and interests together, valuing the efforts of the other, not taking things for granted… in short, that there be an exchange of reinforcers and, in turn, affective exchanges.
When a couple achieves their goals in therapy and manages to get through a crisis by staying together, do both partners feel the same way they felt before they started having problems, or do they shift to a different point of view about their relationship? never had before?
Obviously, after a therapy process, whether individual or couple, people do not go back to being or feeling as they were before. Successful therapy provides people with very useful tools to deal with crises in their day-to-day life, so their vision of the relationship and of their lives will never be the same.
The most important thing in a couple is that they have a common project and a similar way of conceiving their lifestyle. If two people have overcome a crisis thanks to therapy, the usual thing is that they come out of this situation even stronger.
To the classic question “what do you do?” I always answer “basically I am a psychologist”. In fact, my academic training has revolved around the psychology of development, education and community, a field of study influenced my volunteer activities, as well as my first work experiences in personal services.