Psychologist Miguel Ángel Rizaldos presents his new book

This psychologist from Madrid has a very prolific and curious career. Always linked to the world of clinical psychology, people with needs and problems of all kinds have passed through his office, seeking in Miguel Ángel the support to improve some aspect of their lives.

Guide for dads and moms in trouble: the new proposal by Miguel Ángel Rizaldos

In addition, Rizaldos has to his credit being one of the pioneers of online psychological therapy, a therapy modality that, according to his own words, is not only more comfortable but also equally effective.

However, Miguel Ángel Rizaldos does not give up his efforts to bring the world of psychology closer to the general public. Proof of this is his well-known Facebook page, Psychology 2.0 , a place where he compiles his writings and interventions in the media and which has almost 50,000 staunch followers.

In this effort to translate the complex world of psychology and emotions into plain language and for all audiences, the riverside psychologist brings us a most interesting editorial proposal: “Guide for moms and dads in trouble.” In this book, Rizaldos provides us with a very complete tool to focus on the work of being fathers and mothers .

Bertrand Regader: What is the main idea that led you to write “A Guide for Moms and Dads in Distress” ?

Miguel Ángel Rizaldos: For 8 years I have been writing articles on my own blog on guidelines for fathers, mothers and educators on different issues of caring for minors. I use these articles as a tool to reinforce the interventions that I carry out in consultation with minors and their parents or educators.

I have not wanted to waste this work and, thus, the guide aims to be the instruction book that children do not come with, so that fathers, mothers and educators find the best ways to a better education in different problems that the actual life. And I do it from an easy to understand, practical and simple language. In this book is condensed my experience that is close to three decades as a psychologist.

It aims to be an easy-to-consult book, therefore in dealing with those aspects that today may concern parents and educators. Thus, the topics I address are as fundamental and essential as attachment, responsibility, the need to set limits, communication between parents and children, fear, regulation of emotions, social skills and assertiveness, bullying. , tantrums, children’s self-esteem, how to manage stress and anxiety, adolescence, divorce, ADHD, and homework, managing new technologies such as tablets, smartphones, Internet use and social networks .

I dedicate the last six chapters of the book to something that seems very important to me: the self-care of parents and educators. In this final part of the book you will find the basic tools to take care of yourself and thus improve your well-being. Since parents and educators transmit what we do, not what we say to do. If as a father, mother or educator we do not take care of ourselves, we will not take good care of ourselves. And we will convey to our minors that self-care is not important.

In the first pages of your new book you talk about childhood attachment, the way in which boys and girls develop emotional bonds with those who care for them. Is this psychological factor one of the keys to understanding why little ones behave the way they do?

As I say in the book, attachment is the emotional connection that the child experiences with his father, mother or educator and that produces the essential emotional security for a healthy personality development. Therefore, attachment provides emotional security for the child; be accepted, loved and protected unconditionally.

Attachment is secure (Ainsworth and Bowlby, 1991) when the person who cares for the child shows affection, protection, availability and attention to the needs of the baby. This makes the child develop a positive self-concept and a feeling of trust that provides security in the first years of life.

Already in adulthood, in the interpersonal area, secure people tend to be more warm, stable and with satisfactory intimate relationships, and in the intrapersonal area, they tend to be more positive, integrated and with coherent perspectives of themselves.

The secure attachment that is provided in the first years of life by parents or educators facilitates healthy emotional and maturational development.

One of the most complex aspects of parenting is the way in which children are given the limits of what they can and cannot do. In the book you speak, for example, of letting them live experiences of failure. Do you think there is currently a tendency to overprotect little ones?

My experience in consultation is that today we fathers and mothers abuse the overprotection of our children. This causes a lack of confidence in themselves, by not showing confidence that minors are capable of taking responsibility. Thus we find that there is currently a significant lack of healthy self-esteem in minors, they do not trust themselves because their parents or educators do not trust what they are capable of doing.

In accordance with this, I consider that having self-confidence depends on being able to face the situations that arise and not being the parents or educators who solve them. Being able to have the disposition to confront adversity by oneself will increase self-concept, and with it self-confidence and security.

You also talk about assertiveness in children, the ability to communicate respectfully but honestly, without hiding important feelings. Is it common in childhood that insecurity makes us afraid to express ourselves?

When children act assertively socially, they defend their rights and interests, respecting the rights of others. The objective is not what we could vulgarly say “getting away with it”, but rather trying to reach an agreement in the best possible way through negotiation, where both parties win and give in at the same time.

A person who does not behave skillfully on a social level is not assertive. He is not able to express his emotions in a healthy way: He will not express his positive emotions such as gratitude, affection, joy, and neither will he express negative emotions when something bothers him, he feels pain, or he is angry, for example.

And in times when anxiety and stress overwhelm the little ones in the house, what can be done?

Minors can experience stress just like adults. Sometimes we have the false idea that childhood is a time without worries. Environments such as school and social relationships frequently generate pressures that are overwhelming for boys and girls.

Fathers, mothers and educators cannot and should not avoid the stress of the little ones, but they must help them to carry out healthy strategies to face and solve daily problems that can generate anxiety. If it is not done, it may end up being a problem that has to be worked on with a psychologist.

Children may become capable of coping with stress and anxiety in both healthy and unhealthy ways. They are concerned about facing their difficulties, and sometimes they do not express that they want their fathers, mothers or educators to help them face their problems.

It is not easy for parents and educators to know how to help little ones when stress and anxiety overwhelm them .

I will briefly give 9 keys to help manage stress and anxiety:

• Show interest. Talk to the little one when you perceive that there is something that worries him.
• Let him tell you what worries him. Listen calmly and attentively, with interest, patience, looking him in the eye and showing how much we care.
• Empathize. Validate and briefly comment on the emotions that we believe the minor may be experiencing.
• Put a name to what happens to you. Many little ones still don’t have words to express what they feel.
• Help them find alternative solutions.
• Actively listen. It is common that, when speaking, and being listened to, the minor feels that he is understood.
• Limit unnecessary stress to which we sometimes subject children.
• Present and available. Little ones don’t always get to talk about what overwhelms them. And many times, it’s okay to be that way. The important thing is to make it clear to the minor that we will be by his side when he wants to talk.
• Patience. As a father or mother, it is painful to see your son or daughter upset or overwhelmed. But you have to try not to get carried away by it and solve all your problems.
• Practice relaxation and mindfulness.

In another section of the book you talk about children’s self-esteem. How is it different from that of adults?

First of all, clarify that self-esteem is what we value both when thinking and feeling about ourselves. We come to it after our own life experiences. Having a healthy self-esteem is recognizing that I am worthy of esteem and that I deserve the unconditional support and affection of others.

In the case of self-esteem in childhood, it is when minors recognize themselves capable of solving different situations successfully and thus can consider themselves equal to their peers, the other children. On the other hand, another essential element is to feel unconditionally loved, knowing that he is very important to the people around him.

To achieve a healthy self-esteem in childhood, the minor must: Accept himself as he is, value his qualities and accept his vulnerabilities.

Parents, relatives, teachers and friends are the ones who can best promote healthy self-esteem in minors. Showing positive feelings towards the child and minimizing the expression of negative content that produces self-rejection in the child, a worsening of her self-esteem.

Although you have to be careful since in recent times the concern for self- esteem has become excessive. And in an erroneous way, attempts are made to increase self-esteem artificially and in the short term. With an absolute lack of limits, and with indiscriminate praise and reward.

And how do you know when a boy or girl has such a low self-esteem that the situation deserves a visit to the psychologist?

When minors process the following aptitudes and behaviors, we can know that they have to improve their self-esteem and therefore go to a psychology professional:

• Does not confront situations that cause him some anxiety: “Today I don’t want to go to school because I have a very difficult exam”
• He undervalues ​​or despises his abilities: “I never draw anything well” “Well, it’s not that bad, it was easy”
• He feels and perceives that others do not value him: “children never want to be with me or play with me”
• Blames his lack of responsibility on others: “I haven’t cleaned the room because you didn’t tell me”
• Is easily influenced by others: “I did what they told me”
• He often responds defensively, “they throw in the towel” and quickly becomes frustrated: “If it doesn’t work out for me, it’s not my fault; I don’t know how to do it, I’m going to leave it”
• Feels and expresses impotence: “I don’t know where what I have to study is; today’s task is very difficult; I won’t be able to finish my homework.”
• He has a block of emotions: “I don’t care, I don’t care”