To present couple problems, we rely on various statistical studies with large sample groups and representation of all age divisions in the population.
Seen from social psychology, the couple is defined as a bounded entity, based onthe relationship between two people. From the outside, both components of the couple are conceived as a unit or system, a fact that of course defines its members as their own individuals, as well as entities in society with certain expected functions.
Although interactions within a couple usually respect the laws, behavioral patterns and roles expected in a much broader social framework than this system itself, it is the exchanges of each of the members in the day to day that define the unique characteristics of each couple.
Beyond terminological descriptions, the reality that the couple is a complex system falls like a vase of cold water with the following data: in countries like Germany there aremore than 153,000 divorces a year. Looking for an explanation outside the anecdotal nature of each case, there must be a common engine for this figure, right?
To respond to this data and many others, today we dissect the 5 most common problems in relationships, based on statistical studies carried out with various sample groups.
- We recommend you read: “How to improve communication with my partner? 8 keys”
The formation of the couple
In the first place, we see of interest to expose the bio-psycho-socio-cultural modelof the cycle approach / distance of coupleformulated by psychologists in recent decades. According to this model, several stages in the formation of this bond can be distinguished:
- Strangers/acquaintances: none of the members knows the benefits that the possible relationship can bring.
- Acquaintances: closeness and intimacy begin to be established.
- Friendship: the bond between both members is strengthened and you begin to spend more time with the counterpart.
- Attraction/admiration: Interest in the other person begins beyond a friendly environment.
- Passion: emotion defined and clear as a very strong feeling towards the other.
- Romance: stage of falling in love, where every detail is taken care of to the millimeter and the perception of the other member as perfect as possible is the basis.
- Commitment: construction of a common project, that is, the emergence of the social unity described above.
- Maintenance: in this phase they begin to explore plans that break the monotony, as it is expected to maintain the link in the long term.
- Conflict: friction and arguments appear, usually characterized by communication problems.
- Distancing: Physical and emotional distancing between members.
- Desamor: desinterés total por la otra persona.
- Separación: ruptura de ese vínculo común, de la organización social en la que ambos miembros se habían comprometido.
- Oblivion: period of mourning and the subsequent forgetfulness of the other member.
- We recommend you read: “The 10 types of couple (according to their relationship)”
The most common problems of couples
Of course, it is the last 6 phases of the defined model that we want to address in the following lines. So, without further delay, it is time to cover the most common sources of conflict in relationships.
1. Gender-based violence
The World Health Organization (WHO) estimates that35% of womenin the world have suffered some type of physical and/or sexual violence by their partner or acquaintance. Other nationwide studies put this figure at up to 70%. The statistics speak for themselves, since countries like the United States have reported more than 1,600 women murdered in 2015, of which 93% knew the aggressor perfectly and maintained a past or present intimate relationship with him.
Violence perpetrated in the sphere of the couple is not in itself a problem, but a crime, but making this gender problem visible is always the first step to address it at the social level. As unpleasant as it sounds, the rate of women victims of this inequality is 1.5 per 1000 female inhabitants over 14 years old, while the divorce rate in many countries such as Bulgaria are placed in the same figure. This means that, in many regions, there arealmost as many divorces as murders of women. Of course, the figures are sobering.
2. Coexistence problems
After this first harsh but necessary parenthesis, we can look at different statistical studies that dissect what are the most common reasons for rupture in modern society. There are sociological articles that analyze samples with more than 800 participants extracted from all possible age groups, so there is a more than reliable representation of the general trend in terms of problems in the couple.
In the first place, various investigations emphasize that the problems of coexistence are thefirst cause of rupturein the couple. Of course, the ability to adapt to the other by both parties is a quality that not all of us have, because we are used to living with ourselves and responding (almost exclusively) to individual needs.
For this reason, it is curious to know that, in studies guided by a binary gender representation, sympathy is always the most sought after characteristic in the couple relationship (100% of cases in women and 60% in men). Defined as solidarity and empathy, this characteristic encourages the component of the couple to put themselves in the place of the other and respond appropriately to their requirements and needs, dialoguing when points of conflict arise.
- We recommend you read: “Jealousy problems in the couple: what to do to overcome them?”
3. Love is over
We all know that the concept of “love” moves in both an emotional and physiological environment. This powerful feeling causes various effects at the central (brain) as well as peripheral level (alteration of heart rhythm, muscle activation and phenomena such as sweating). These mechanisms go so far that they can even modify the rhythm of the heartbeat, because when a lover sees an image of his spouse, he suffers an initial cardiac deceleration that subsequently translates into an increase in rhythm (affective tachycardia).
Biologically, the most primal love cannot be maintained indefinitely at the bodily level, so the initial chemical overload that this entails decreases over time. It is estimated that the period in which we live those intense sensations that are related tolove lasts about 2-3 years, with a maximum of 4.
What to do in the face of the loss of love is something that can only be answered by each member of the couple. The meaning of romanticism changes over the years, so there are elders who say that love has never left its body. Perhaps it is more a restructuring of the concept than always trying to feel an excessive euphoria.
4. Escasez de estrategias
The application of strategies for conflict resolution is essential in any couple. Beyond anecdotal advice such as “don’t get angry” or “don’t shout”, there are methods of psychological application such as the scratched record, assertive techniques that allow the individual to express the purpose of his argument in an iron way without rambling or entering dangerous terrain.
Of course,strategies for conflict resolutionare always based on empathy and assertiveness, and both concepts can be worked with the help of professionals in the psychological field. In the couple there are no excuses or “I am like that” that are worth, because any mania or emotional lack can be treated in one way or another.
5. Infidelity
Of course, infidelity is another thorny concept that cannot be dissected in a few lines. Some statistical studies reveal that up to50% of peoplein countries like Mexico have been unfaithful at some point in their lives, although these data should be taken with reservations (because we would have to see the sample size, group surveyed and many other variables that can disrupt the results). In any case, the important thing is not the number, but the reason.
These kinds of interactions outside the social norm put into perspective the kind of relationships we humans build and the extent to which they limit our individual freedom. Beyond supposed biological mechanisms, perhaps it is time to rethink the concept of couple, bond for life and emotional freedom. Or maybe not, because the answer lies in each specific case.
- We recommend you read: “How to overcome infidelity in marriage”
Summary
We have tried to show statistically the plurality of the answers provided to the question of what are the 5 most common problems in relationships. From a scientific point of view it is not enough with anecdote or common sense, so it is usually necessary to resort to numbers based on large sample groups with representatives of all genders, ethnicities and ages.
Thus, we can conclude that the problems of coexistence, lack of love, lack of strategies and infidelity may be some of the most common couple problems, but certainly not the only ones. The order of priority depends on many population factors, in addition to theinterpretation that each one wants to give to theresults obtained.
References
- de Pedro, A. I. I., & Fernández, I. P. (2014). Roses and thorns in the relationships of engaged couples: love, expectations and problems International Journal of Developmental and Educational Psychology, 3(1), 385-393.
- Divorce by country, datosmacro.com. Collected on October 14 in https://datosmacro.expansion.com/demografia/divorcios
- Gómez, M. P., Delgado, A. O., & Gómez, Á. H. (2014). Violence in relationships of young people and adolescents. Latin American Journal of Psychology, 46(3), 148-159.
- Gender violence helps in action. Collected on October 14 at https://ayudaenaccion.org/ong/blog/mujer/violencia-de-genero-2018/#:~:text=La%20Organizaci%C3%B3n%20Mundial%20de%20la,nacional%20hablan%20de%20un%2070%25.&text=Pero%20ambas%20agresiones%20son%20violencia%20de%20g%C3%A9nero.
- Pérez, B. T., García, P. J. C., & Rodríguez, N. T. C. (2006). THE ATTRIBUTION OF CAUSES TO THE BREAKUP OF A COUPLE. International Journal of Developmental and Educational Psychology, 2(1), 477-486.
To the classic question “what do you do?” I always answer “basically I am a psychologist”. In fact, my academic training has revolved around the psychology of development, education and community, a field of study influenced my volunteer activities, as well as my first work experiences in personal services.
