Infatuation is an emotional state that makes us feel joyful and deeply attracted to another person. Although love is part of the human being, there are still unknowns in relation to why we fall in love.
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Love, psychology and hormones: the magic recipe
Falling in love manifests itself on all levels of the person. This emotional state involves more sexual and instinctive components, but also other rational and intellectual ones. Therefore, romantic love for another person can be expressed not only with words, but also with gestures such as caresses and kisses.
It is not surprising that people fall in love, because one of the most basic human needs is to relate to other people. Although we can find great companionship in our friends, we also need deep affection and intimacy, something that can only be found in a couple. Although love is something intrinsic to the nature of the human being, it is not yet fully known why we fall in love and, in addition, why we fall in love with one person and not others. This issue remains a challenge for psychology today.
What is clear is that falling in loveis a process in which biological mechanisms come into play, but also psychological and cultural ones, hence its complexity. In this article we are going to talk about the psychology of love and we are going to try to understand why we fall in love.
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What is love and what are its elements?
First of all, we must ask ourselves this question… What is love? In principle, it seems a simple concept to define and is present everywhere (books, music, movies …) but the truth is that it is complex to develop a universal definition of love. This is because falling in love is a very subjective experience, so not all of us conceive this feeling in the same way. However, there are some characteristics common to any definition. For any person, loving implies caring, sharing, trusting, etc.
It is paradoxical not to be able to clearly define this feeling, since it is a universal phenomenon that does not understand eras, societies or socioeconomic levels. In all people we live in the same way, with that euphoria and satisfaction that make us feel an overflowing happiness. Robert Sternberg decided to investigate to know what were, exactly, the essential elements in love. He concluded that there were three: intimacy, passion or desire and commitment.
1. Privacy
Intimacy involves feeling mutual trust and understanding, which allows you to feel supported and share thoughts, experiences, feelings, etc. When two people reach a certain degree of intimacy, a bond is forged in which there is connection and complicity. At that point in the relationship between two people, there is full happiness, a desire to make the other happy, to share joint spaces, help each other, etc.
The couple acts as a team in which both coordinate perfectly. Intimacy is not only important in the positive moments of the couple, but also in the negative ones. When the other person shows their unconditional support and understanding, we feel embraced and loved.
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2. Passion or desire
This is another crucial element when we talk about love. Feeling desire towards the other person implies feeling attracted to him, feeling interest, seeking pleasure and satisfaction with him and experiencing sexual desire. When we feel passion, the other person is presented to us as the one with whom we feel most comfortable, with a kind of feeling of belonging, of being “at home”. Although we may feel good about other people, when we fall in love we feel something special with that person, we develop an attachment that makes a difference with other types of relationships.
The desire also favors that we maintain physical contact with that person through kisses, caresses and hugs. In addition, it also encourages emotional contact, as we tend to express our feelings much more openly than with other people. Desire is one of the keys to romantic love because it makes us feel special and unique. In romantic relationships what we do and feel is exclusive, since it does not resemble anything we live in the rest of the relationships (friends, family …).
Contrary to popular belief, in a couple in love desire should never disappear. Although the nerves and euphoria of the first moments calm down over time, the desire must continue to exist with intensity, there must continue to be that chemistry that connects both members of the romantic relationship. When desire decreases, then we are faced with a damaged relationship.
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3. Commitment
Commitment is defined as the willingness and responsibility to take charge of a relationship to the end. This element is the one that enjoys the worst reputation, since many people do not feel comfortable talking about commitment. However, this disposition is what allows stability in a romantic relationship.
When two people commit to their relationship this implies thatthere is an affective responsibility and a desire to draw up a shared life plan. There are couples in which there is a strong intimacy and desire, but they falter in commitment. This means that the relationship is plagued by doubts and uncertainties, causing discomfort in at least one of the members of the couple.
Commitment should never be perceived as an imposed obligation, for then it loses its meaning. A real commitment is one in which the two want to share their life with the other, assume their obligations and work so that the romantic bond between them lasts over time.
What happens when we fall in love?
Now that we have defined what love is, let’s analyze what happens when we fall in love with someone. The truth is that science has found brain correlates in the process of falling in love. In this way, love is a cognitive construction that is formed from the brain processes that are generated in our body.
It seems that neurotransmitters and some hormones play an important role when we find a person who attracts us deeply. In the process of falling in love, our brain releases, mainly, dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin and noradrenaline. We will know how each of them act in our body when we fall in love.
- Oxytocin: this hormone is responsible for making us feel euphoric in the early stages of falling in love. High levels of oxytocin lead us to feel that need for physical contact with the person we love.
- Serotonin: This neurotransmitter is also heavily involved in love. In particular, serotonin influences our emotions and mood. High levels allow for better mood, greater optimism, and a tendency to socialize with other people. In short, serotonin is responsible for the psychological well-being that we live when we are in love. Added to this, it is believed that this can influence our tendency to continuously think about that person we love.
- Dopamine: Dopamine is known to be a neurotransmitter closely related to the pleasure response. In the process of falling in love, dopamine skyrockets and makes us feel euphoric. In the same way, it is responsible for making us feel good next to the person we are in love with and for having sex.
- Noradrenaline: This neurotransmitter is responsible for all the physiological activation signals that are unleashed with falling in love. The heart accelerates, blood pressure rises, appetite is reduced, we blush, etc.
The truth is that allthese physiological processes are experienced with great intensity in the first moments of falling in love. However, with the passage of time our body begins to get used to it and this whirlwind of sensations softens. There are those who feel that this state of calm after so many emotions is synonymous with no longer being in love. However, falling in love is a process that must end at some point, as it is unsustainable in the long run. After the initial euphoria, it is time to get to know the person more deeply and develop deeper and more mature feelings.
Conclusions
In this article we talked about love and why we fell in love. Love is a universally known concept that is lived by all people regardless of race, social class or religion. However, it seems that defining this feeling is much more difficult than it seems. Some authors have tried to find, at least, those essential elements that define what love is.
Robert Sternberg proposed the existence of three essential components: intimacy, desire or passion and commitment. In addition, it seems that there are brain correlates related to the process of falling in love. In this way, love is a cognitive construction that is formed based on a set of physical changes in our body.
Mainly, there are four elements that have special relevance in our brain when we fall in love: serotonin, dopamine, norepinephrine and oxytocin. All of these substances are responsible for the signals and behaviors we experience in our body when we are deeply attracted to another person. Although at first these changes are very intense and overwhelming, with the passage of time they tend to soften to give way to a calmer love.
To the classic question “what do you do?” I always answer “basically I am a psychologist”. In fact, my academic training has revolved around the psychology of development, education and community, a field of study influenced my volunteer activities, as well as my first work experiences in personal services.
