Emotional dependence is the basis of toxicity in couple dynamics. Learning to spot the signs of these behaviors is the first step in putting an end to them.
According to studies, a human being from 30 to 44 years old has 4 to 8 partners throughout his existence, whether they are merely sexual or people withwhom a long-term socio-affective bond is created. A partner can be your boyfriend, spouse or one of the parts of a slightly more complex network, as in the cases of polygamous people. In any case, the parties who engage in this bond always have something in common: there is an intimate loving association between them that goes beyond friendship.
Love is difficult to understand at a theoretical level, since it is a complex emotion resulting from a series of attitudes, emotions and non-transferable experiences. This concept is a construct and, as such, presents itself in a diversity of socially accepted universal forms, but it is also perceived differently by each party that experiences it. Thus, what some people consider as “toxic” within the couple, others may not.
In any case, there are a series of very clear and obvious signs that demonstrate the lack of understanding and dominance of one of the parties over the otherin an affective relationship. Based on this premise, today we tell you what toxic relationships are, how to identify them and ways to stop them.
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What is a toxic relationship?
A toxic affective relationship (be it this courtship, marriage or even friendly) is one in whichrepetitive, unhealthy and destructive patterns are observed at a mutual level that cause more harm than good to the parties involved. Typically, toxicity translates into possessiveness, jealousy, dominance, manipulation, verbal and/or physical abuse or a combination of all of these characteristics.
According to psychological sources, up to 70% of relationships present some trace of dependence, which then develops into toxicity. Not only is a toxic partner one who yells at each other constantly, but feeling that you “need” your spouse in an unhealthy way is already a sign that things are not going well. We are individual and non-transferable entities, so going in “pack” with your boyfriend / girl and wife usually indicates that a toxic dynamic is developing.
At this time, it is necessary to emphasize that internal intimate partner violence (IPV) is considered a violation of human rights and is therefore a punishable crime that must be reported to the authorities as quickly as possible. Toxicity can manifest itself in many ways on different spectrums, butwhen verbal or physical violence makes an appearance, we move from a conflictive situation to a direct break of the law.
This distinction may seem obvious, but it needs to be emphasized when, in 2017, some 87,000 women were murdered worldwide as victims of sexist violence. It is estimated that 137 women die every day at the hands of their partners or relatives, so we can not emphasize the following idea: when violence makes its way into the dynamic, the only option is to denounce.
Emotional dependence and toxic relationships
The prime of the toxic relationship is dependence. Many media tend to emphasize verbal violence, blackmail and other clearly negative dynamics when talking about toxic relationships, but emotional dependence is disguised in “apparently positive” gestures and, therefore, is difficult to detect during the early stages of its development.
Emotional dependence can be defined as the affective need for presence or contact of one person towards another to cover different areas of one’s life. To exemplify this trait that can become pathological, we present the criteria followed by the American Psychological Association (APA) to diagnose dependent personality disorder (PDD):
- The patient feels difficulty making routine decisions without the opinion and/or support of those around him.
- It requires other people to take charge of their obligations.
- He is afraid to disagree with his environment for fear of being rejected.
- It presents difficulties when starting projects without the help of others.
- He feels vulnerable when he is alone.
- He desperately searches for a new relationship when another ends.
That a person shows traces of dependency does not mean that he suffers from PDD, but this list serves to exemplify the dependent “model type”. When your partner can do nothing without you, you feel tied to him / her and your actions outside of the individual dynamics affect their day to day, it is time to sound the alarms: having emotional responsibility with the environment is essential, but we are not the extension of anyone. As individual entities, freedom of action must prevail over any bond (as long as it does not harm others).
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Clear signs of a toxic relationship
When one of the parties of the couple feels that it depends completely on the other to live, it is willing to allow certain behaviors that, in any other case, would be a direct reason for abandonment (or, on the other hand, execute such behaviors for fear of losing the spouse). For a relationship to be toxic it must be dependent in the first instance, because otherwise, itwould simply end, no matter how much it hurts.
Once the problems begin, the need to be with the other person is channeled into clearly negative events for both parties. One of the first signs is that both spouses notice that supposedly joyful situations (dinners, weddings, banquets, night outs, etc.) become catastrophic in almost all cases. There is always an argument, an underlying discomfort or a strange tinge.
Beyond this, clearly abusive behaviors also take place in many cases: the dominant part of the couple controls what the other does, feels jealous continuously, makes them feel guilty, overshadows their needs with their own concerns, continually blames past behaviors and many other things. At this point the toxicity is on the rise, and we go from misconduct to direct abuse.
A clear gender bias
Do not be fooled by the disrupted statistics provided by certain sources: the obvious toxicity in the couple is eminently male. According to reports of the percentage of murders in the affective sphere in Spain between 2010 and 2012, 17 men died at the hands of their partners, while in women this figure rose to 130. This means that almost 8 times more women than men died from the toxicity and abuse of the relationship.
The World Health Organization (WHO) estimates that between 24 and 53% of the world’s women have experienced physical or sexual violence or both in their lifetime. The percentages in men are diffuse or directly absent and, therefore, it is necessary to emphasize the idea that toxicity in a relationship comes, above all, from men.
For all these reasons, it is necessary to consider what types of dynamics men exercise within a relationshipover time and how we perceive socio-affective bonds. Toxicity can be bidirectional and arise from the joint effect of both parties, but it is clear that, in the vast majority of cases, those who cross the line from reprehensible to abuse are men. To curb toxic dynamics, we must ask ourselves what values we receive as males during our development, what we conceive as normal, and what triggers the toxic behaviors that in many cases characterize our gender.
Final annotations
With these lines, we have not wanted to exempt any of the parties in a toxic relationship from blame. An affective bond is a matter of two, and it is perfectly possible that both contribute equally to a relationship becoming a nightmare. In any case, it is necessary to be clear that violence is exercised in the vast majority of cases by men and, under the affirmation of this premise, act accordingly.
In addition, it is necessary to emphasize that not all toxic relationships manifest themselves with blows and violence. Emotional dependence takes many forms and, fortunately, it can be treated in the psychiatric setting before it gets worse. If you have seen yourself reflected in these lines, we encourage you to seek professional help, not for your partner, but for your own mental and physical health.
To the classic question “what do you do?” I always answer “basically I am a psychologist”. In fact, my academic training has revolved around the psychology of development, education and community, a field of study influenced my volunteer activities, as well as my first work experiences in personal services.
